I'm going to be honest with you. Marriage is not something I ever really planned for. Commitment? Yes. Loyalty? Absolutely. Romance? Always. Being with the same person forever? That is absolutely for me. But I never really felt like I needed to be married to make those things happen. I mean, I love weddings, I love celebrating with people who choose to get married, but I never felt like I needed it for myself. Does that make sense?
But being married matters to Adam. It doesn't matter why, but if it matters to him it matters to me. And as I'm not opposed to marriage exactly, I thought I would just let our relationship progress naturally. We talked about marriage and getting engaged, but I never put any pressure on him to hurry up and ask me. But as things did progress in our relationship I started to get nervous, almost as though I was anticipating a proposal. I thought maybe I was a big commitment-phobe after all!
I was scared, if I'm honest - not of being with Adam forever though, I knew almost from the first moment that I wanted to be with him. I can't pin down what it is that I was scared of exactly, but when I cottoned on that the proposal was going to happen I was a bundle of nerves.
Then one day I met Lulu at a blogger event and we got to talking about marriage. She had recently had her wedding and explained to me how she felt about the whole business. She said that when you become engaged you start to feel a wonderful kind of security - when you didn't even know you were feeling insecure! She talked all about how being married is just great. And her enthusiasm for it was infectious! (I don't think she even knows how much that conversation helped me - thanks Lulu!)
And now that I'm on the other side, and Adam and I are engaged, I understand what she was talking about. It's not a "thank goodness I finally have a man to take care of me" sense of security. It's a, "ok I was right, he does genuinely does love me and want to be with me forever" kind of feeling. Kind of like a confirmation of what I always believed.
It's all very hard to explain, but it's a lovely to feel settled and secure, and I'm really enjoying it.
We haven't started too much on the wedding planning yet, and I promise this won't turn into a wedding planning blog, but I can share a few bits with you if you like?