Life Lately

I always thought that times of change would come in big waves that would pass over quickly in one great event and leave everything completely different. In my experience change has always come in with a bang. But lately changed has felt more like a glacier – I spotted it on the horizon months ago and I prepared myself in every way I could, and now four months later I’m still sat here waiting for it to sloooooowly come at me. It’s frustrating.

So life lately has seen me cleaning house, throwing things out, giving a lot of thought to the kind of life I want to be living and exactly how I’m going to do that. I’m so ready for that change now that I’m actually excited for it! Maybe that’s why it’s been taking so long, because I needed to be in a place to enjoy it instead of be scared of it. I’ve never been a fan of change – but growing up I had constant change and to my little girl mind, I never understood any of it. It always seemed so abrupt and harsh, chaotic as well, and if there was reason behind it I never knew what it was. So I guess maybe this slow change is a good thing.

But fun and exciting change, that I can get on bored with. I’ve been working on stuff for my YouTube channel and honestly diving head first into that was so scary. What if I wasn’t what people expected me to be? Or what if my voice irritates people, or I never learn to be succinct enough to get my point across? But a long time ago I learned that if I wanted to do something but I was scared to, to just leap into the new challenge and figure out the difficult parts on the way down – I guess I’m a lot braver about change when it’s on my own terms.

One of the biggest requests I’ve always had, and more so since I’ve started vlogging, is to share my story. I think probably my photography story but also what happened in my life to get me where I am today – and I’ve always really wanted to! But what’s held me back is not really knowing where to start. It feels so big and ungainly, like any life story! There’s so much and yet probably so little to say, but I’m just not sure where to start, what to include and how to make it interesting. And how to keep it SHORT! And keep it honest – include the good, the bad and the ugly. Because I want to be honest! But it’s hard.

Our sense of self-worth lives inside our stories. We have a tendency to orphan pieces of ourselves that don’t fit how we think we should be perceived. We either own our story… all of it, or we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness. Hustling is exhausting and it moves us away from who we really are.
— Brené Brown

When we think of our stories the thoughts tend to come to us in bits and pieces, we rarely step back and evaluate it as a whole. But looking at the big picture, it’s hard to take those pieces and stitch them together in a way that makes sense to us, or even other people! It’s a process, and I’m working on it.